Dear Undecided Voter,

I'm trying to figure out how you see this year's presidential race. Hmmm... How can we frame this?

Bush vs. Kerry.

The Scarecrow vs. The Tin Man.

Raging Idiot Puppet vs. Functionally Literate Pansy-Ass.

Peanut Brain vs. Guy Who Could Occasionally Come Up With a Concise Statement, But Really, Who are We Kidding, He's a Long-Winded Narcissist.

Evil vs. Slightly Less Evil.

WYSIWYG Homophobic Race/Gay/Gender-Baiting Fear Mongerer vs. Rich, Pandering Ketchup Guy.

Thing is, Undecided Voter, you're one of the most famous people around right now, causing news headlines to be generated every few seconds, and we here at LTC want to help. Are we just sick of you? Maybe. Either way, let's figure this out.

Granted, there's not much love to be found in our limited options -- let's face it, while nobody will admit it, Al Sharpton ROCKED this year -- but it's time you made a decision so that the world as we know it can finally continue on one of its possible trajectories towards utter annihilation. Take this handy 8-question quiz, tally your score, and we'll free you up from your non-stop decision-making so that you can get back to, you know, whatever tasks you normally don't complete until the last second.

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1. What stood out to you from the Debates?
a) Kerry seemed to know his facts, to speak rationally, and to be downright Presidential, while Bush barely had the courtesy, vocabulary, or attention span of a ticked-off howler monkey;
b) Kerry said "Lesbian," and that makes me angry;
c) Yankees 3, Red Sox 1.

2. Here's what TV has taught me:
a) Kerry is a flip-flopping liberal soldier-hating tax-raiser who is destroying the American family and will only appoint activist liberal abortion-performing judges;
b) Bush is steady, strong, resolute, unflinching, consistent, and determined, and even though he's almost always wrong, it's a good thing;
c) Bush and Cheney can't wait to get into the White House and undo the damage of this most recent administration.

3. On social issues, I believe...
a) everyone can take care of themselves, so let's have freedom for all and no taxes and just leave people alone, unless they are either non-Christian or gay;
b) that we should destroy all of our missiles and let the homeless live in the empty silos while we all sell veggie burritos and nitrous hits in concert parking lots;
c) you'll have to pry my gun from my cold, dead fingers.

4. When it comes to foreign policy...
a) I believe we should work harder to build coalitions, that we should listen to voices from around the world, trust our allies, and that we can all have a happier and more peaceful zzz zzZZZ ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ...
b) kill 'em all!
c) I like tacos and pizza.

5. Health care costs have risen tremendously in the past few years...
a) which means we'll finally kill off the sick, old, and imperfect, creating a master race and fulfilling our leader's prophecy;
b) therefore, I'm not going to the doctor unless my arm becomes COMPLETELY severed, and inexplicably I'm still probably voting for Bush, even if I have to punch my butterfly ballot with my tongue;
c) but, man, if we'd only legalize weed...

6. The Patriot Act, prisoner abuse, illegal detentions, discrimination... the policies and practices of the current administration have been a hot-button topic as many believe they have eroded civil liberties at home and green-lighted rampant abuse abroad.
a) Really? For some reason, we here in Darien, CT haven't noticed a thing. Go Bush!
b) We need someone who has never been in government. Go Kerry!
c) That's why I'm voting Bush-Kerry '04!

7. The candidates' service records from Vietnam have received scrutiny. What do you think?
a) If only the U.S. Government had some sort of record-keeping system in place in the early 70's, we'd all finally see evidence that Bush was actually a decorated war hero;
b) I like the one where Hawkeye and Honeycutt drank martinis while Burns had the local boy as his low-wage servant... wait, that was the Korean War, and M*A*S*H;
c) This is very important because, you know, one of these two men is who we are sending in to retrieve the POWs.

8. It's pronounced:
a) nyoo-klee-urr;
b) noo-cyuh-luhr;
c) either way, we're screwed.

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DETERMINING YOUR CHOICE FOR PRESIDENT!

Scoring:
Give yourself three points for every "a," four points for every "b," and 5 points for every "c."

0-23 points:
Bush

24-40 points:
It really makes no difference. Stay home and enjoy the apocalypse.

41-60 points:
Kerry

No need to thank us, Undecided Voter! Whether we like it or not, we'll all be watching you come November.

Your Pal,
Merrill