Dear Dogs Who Know 200+ Words, Monkeys Who Walk On Their Hind Legs, and All Other Rapidly Evolving Animals,

I've read enough science fiction to know I should be apologizing on the behalf of the entire human race for pollution, war, and our many other atrocities, up to and including reality television. You animals are getting smarter by the minute, and that means our days are numbered. I've seen "Planet of the Apes"!

(Well, no, I haven't.)

Until recently I've been primarily apologizing to dolphins, as I thought they were the species that would be voted, "Most Likely to Evolve, Develop Nuclear Weaponry, and Incinerate Humanity's Sorry Asses."

But I was wrong! To think, all that time I spent at Sea World, buying you sardines. Wasted. Just wasted.

The threats are coming from all sides now. Dogs that can comprehend more than 200 words? That's more than Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie combined. A monkey that can walk on its hind legs? I can barely do that after four beers, and I hear monkeys are wasted pretty much all the time.

And these are just the mammals, who we keep our eyes on! Imagine what the insects are up to? I've seen "A Bug's Life"! You guys are pretty smart. And so cute. Have I mentioned cute? Downright adorable. And I'm sorry for the squishing you with the shoe thing.

So, dear future animal (or insect, or arachnid) rulers, I would like to present you with a list of the things I'm most sorry for, in hopes that when you do take over the planet, you'll spare me:

1. War.
2. Pollution.
3. That time my sister and I thought it would be funny to dress our cat in a Cabbage Patch Kid's dress.
4. Deforestation.
5. Pat Sajak.
6. Norfolk, Virginia. I'm just really sorry it exists. Aren't you?
7. Starbucks.
8. Reality television.
9. I feel like I should apologize twice for reality television.
10. Pesticides. (That's a shout-out to you, my future bug rulers!)

I hope you'll keep this list in mind when your plans for world domination come to their inevitable fruition.

Your loyal and humble servant,
Skye