Dear Jesus,

When you and your dad have a barbecue, and you and the rest of the heavenly host are hanging out and talking about how things are going down here, do you ever make lists of people who are Huge Flaming Assholes?

Now I know that, as the Son of God, you have one up on me in the areas of love and forgiveness, but seriously, there have got to be people who make you stomp around heaven, smiting things and yelling at hapless passing cherubim! I mention this because people annoy the crap out of me all the time, and I didn't even die for their sins!

I don't mean to put words in your mouth, but I can just imagine you being all, "Thieves, fine, whores, no problem, but these Enron guys, what the fuck?!" And then your dad is like, "You think this is bad, did I ever tell you about the time I told them not to worship false idols, and they built this golden calf?" and you're like, "For the love of -- yes, dad, you've mentioned it several times, would you look at what's going on in Kashmir?"

JC, I know you're a busy guy, and I'm sure you have good reasons for not turning Dick Cheney into a pillar of salt. I'm not asking for any actual smiting or carrying off to the depths of Hades here. I'm just curious about who got bumped from this year's Christly Must List.

Anyway, here, in order, are my best guesses for people you hate:

10. Rush Limbaugh
9. Osama Bin Laden's emotionally withholding mom
8. Conspiracy theorists; truck drivers
7. My polka-loving neighbors
6. All former members of Creed
5. Rush Limbaugh
4. People who dress their dogs in little sweaters
3. Guys who refer to marijuana as "herbal Prozac"
2. Rush Limbaugh
1. And, of course, the entire population of New Jersey.

Thanks for reading, Jesus. You're my favorite messianic life-death-rebirth incarnate deity by far! (Mithras eats your dust!)

Love,
Elana