Dear God,

You need better PR.

I was walking down the street yesterday and a bearded man was screaming excerpts from your last work. I got to thinking -- sure, you've got an enthusiastic street team, but where does that lead? He wasn't chalking your URL on the sidewalk. He wasn't handing out coupons offering 20% off eternal salvation.

Guerrilla marketing? More like orangutan.

Plus -- and I know it's hard to get good help, especially with street teams -- but this man hardly conveyed the brand you're looking for. You've cultivated an image, a great white man with a great white beard on a great white fluffy cloud. This gentleman hardly reflected that, let alone your inherent intangibles, such as redemption and the promise of a glorious afterlife.

To be honest, God, I think these branding problems pervade all of your external communications. Your Web sites are poorly written, your television flacks are old and generally unconvincing, and the people who keep killing each other in your name... well, I'd fire them, if I were you. They're doing nothing to increase your market share. Dead weight, my friend, dead weight.

I suggest we meet, ASAP, to discuss what can be done. We'll do some branding exercises first. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be, God?

Love,
Skye

P.S. Have you considered a new name? God is so... mundane. Perhaps something that blends all of your important traits, but a bit more modern, that can be worked into a sharp logo? How about Salvatron? I'll have my designers mock something up.