Dear John Edwards, I'm not complaining about your boyish good looks, damned insouciant charm, and blinding Crest Nightstrips smile. (Far from it. Well played with the teeth, sir. Well played indeed.) In fact, I hope that John Kerry picks you as his running mate, for several reasons. First, even after having read the alleged short list, I'm not really sure who any of the other candidates are, and I bet none of them are wholesome All-American types from North or South Carolina or Alabama or wherever you hail from. Second, you announced your candidacy on The Daily Show! That gives you all kind of cred you didn't actually earn, but I say, it's war out there! Roll with it! Get yourself an Entertainment Weekly cover story ("John Edwards: Less Talented, But Prettier, Like the Nick Carter of Politics!") and you've got the elusive Pop-cultured Twenty-Something Vote sewn up! Third, and I might have mentioned this already, you're almost freakishly handsome, like a weatherman or a sports anchor. You can work this to your advantage. When you meet with Kerry to chat about the Veep job, be sure to casually paint a word picture about how good it'll be for his campaign to have you standing behind him during his stump speeches. Your even, white teeth alone will go far in balancing out how European your guy looks. But John, as much as I like you, I do have one minor concern. Frankly, don't you think it's kind of awkward that you and Kerry have the same first name? Have you really thought this through? Foreign heads of state will come to visit and they'll be all- hey, John, how do you think I should solve this Gaza problem? And you'll be like- dude! I thought you'd never ask! And they'll be like, I meant that French guy over there. And you'll be crushed!
Or, and this is what really troubles me, what if you both became involved in a prostitution scandal at the same time? (And let's be honest, the odds are actually pretty decent.) I mean, "The Johns?" Those jokes practically write themselves. Maybe, to avoid all this, you have a middle name you could go by while in office, or an amusing college nickname you'd be willing to use? Something like: "JOHN KERRY AND 'STINKY' EDWARDS FOR AMERICA" Anyway,
best of luck with the shortlisting, I'm rooting for you. |
You
know how people say that politics is like Hollywood for ugly people?
I think you should move to LA. What are you? Some kind of freakish genetically
engineered actor / powerbroker hybrid? 
Or,
even worse, what if you get in a huge fight with your wife, and then
she calls the office, like- this is John's wife, I need to talk to my
asshole of a husband, and then Kerry will pick up the call, and she'll
scream at him for awhile, and it could getposted by Elana