Dear John Kerry:
I would like to volunteer for your campaign. After repeated exposure, I seem to have gotten over my fear of your preternaturally long head, and I've given up on Ralph Nader this time around, so sign me up, JKay!

In the spirit of my new-found (and soon to expire) burning patriotism, I went and poked around your website. I swiftly began to realize that you don't really want me to volunteer, unless I'm volunteering money. But you can forget that! I'm an underemployed Hollywood assistant on a budget, and you
ain't getting none o' my cash.

However, I still think that I could be useful on your campaign. Here are some things I am prepared to do:

*Wander around your LA campaign headquarters, wearing espadrilles and adorable summer-weight skirts purchased from Anthropologie, raising employee morale by flirting with cute boy staffers.

*Answer the phones. With my work history (and I'm happy to supply you with a resume), it will probably not surprise you that I have, in the past, told many egregious lies to the press. I have no problem telling people that your wife's massive fortune in no way makes you feel slightly less manly.

*Coach you before interviews so that you sound less boring and more like Jon Stewart.

*Pick drink specials to be served at Kerry functions. (Mojitos=the new Appletini!)

*Select your outfits for upcoming appearances.

*Powwow with your personal grooming team about your hair.

*Call Ben Affleck's people and get him to shut the fuck up already.

*Work with your speechwriters, encouraging the use of hilarious celebrity anecdotes involving Justin Timberlake.

Things I am not prepared to do:

*Go door to door asking people to vote for you.

*Call people and ask them to vote for you.

*Stand outside my local Target and ask people to vote for you.

*Anything that involves licking stamps. I went to college.

So please let me know if you have any openings I might be interested in. I look forward to your response!

All the best!

-Elana